I should be asleep

But I'm not. And I just chuckled my way through thirty minutes of a soft-focus 61-year-old Barbie doll telling me I could and should lose a pant size in fourteen days by doing no-movement exercise.

Let that sink in for a bit.

At the risk of sounding like a broken MP3, I love infomercials. But this one ranks at the top for trying to sell me something without actually telling me what the frick it is. I mean, it looks like you pay $60 no wait, just $40! to get a couple of workout DVDs (which must be riveting because they involve no-movement exercise), an hourglass (seriously, an hourglass?) to track your seven-minute no-movement workout, and a blue pouch in which to cart around your DVD and hourglass. Mmmkay.

You don't even get the nifty keytar-looking gadget in the picture of Greer over there. That's some other contraption she dreamt up while overdosing on botulism injections one day, I guess.