Monday, January 7

And on top of this, I need to do laundry

Today has been one of those monumentally shitty days that you swear one day you're going to be able to prevent but you know all along that you're an idiot for thinking that. The kind of day where you're pulling shit out of your "walk-in" closet to find your Pinkerton disc because you heard it in the Pizza Café the other day and it reminded you of high school and how much you loved that album and everything about your stupid teenage life when it came out, and it has held up surprisingly well and deserves a place on your iPod. And then when you can't find it — the case is empty! — and you realize you've pulled everything out of the closet and can't possibly fit it all back the way it was arranged before you started your excavation, you're left with two empty boxes and this globe light your sister bought off of eBay that you've never been able to hang up, and you're wondering what the fuck you should do with the light — it's quirky and has broken glass hot glued all over it and would look awesome hanging up, but you have nowhere to put it and no way to get it attached to the high ceilings in your apartment so it just sits, year after year, in your tiny closet, waiting until you get a house or a step-ladder or something — and you sit in the hallway and have a stupid weepy "what the fuck is the deal with my life and why do I drag such baggage around with me all the time and why can't I ever really fix the things I know are broken and when am I going to grow a pair and actually DO the shit I sit around dreaming about instead of waiting on clear signs from a distracted, narcoleptic God that success is imminent" moment. Because what's so bad about a little failure, right, a little rejection? What's the worst that can happen — a little earnest loneliness instead of the ennui that rots from within when you play it safe and don't shake up the status quo?

I'm not looking for the holy grail here. I just want to get back to being a person who is content and who has moments where I am so in love with my life that I don't want to fall asleep at night.

It's not impossible because I've had it before.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

i want to organize your closet so bad.

Mon Jan 07, 05:52:00 PM  

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