I should be asleep

But I'm not. And I just chuckled my way through thirty minutes of a soft-focus 61-year-old Barbie doll telling me I could and should lose a pant size in fourteen days by doing no-movement exercise.

Let that sink in for a bit.

At the risk of sounding like a broken MP3, I love infomercials. But this one ranks at the top for trying to sell me something without actually telling me what the frick it is. I mean, it looks like you pay $60 no wait, just $40! to get a couple of workout DVDs (which must be riveting because they involve no-movement exercise), an hourglass (seriously, an hourglass?) to track your seven-minute no-movement workout, and a blue pouch in which to cart around your DVD and hourglass. Mmmkay.

You don't even get the nifty keytar-looking gadget in the picture of Greer over there. That's some other contraption she dreamt up while overdosing on botulism injections one day, I guess.

Pretty much the best infomercial ever

(click to biggie size)

Better than the Thunderstick Pro, better than the Jack LaLane Powerjuicer, better than any ol' stupid Ronco shit:

THE AEROGARDEN.

Look at this thing.

The hosts are so completely excited about the prospect of growing tiny tomatoes and lettuce and take a look at this time-lapse footage and all you need is water and nutrient pills administered when prompted by the digital readout and don't forget the pre-planted seedling pod that you just plunk down into a hole in the plastic base of THE AEROGARDEN and if you're patient some totally awesome greenery will sprout and in a month you can feed your entire family healthy delicious dinners grown from tiny plastic cups on your counter.

Except all the shots of food show things like steaks and pies and pasta, each dish with the tiniest sprig of greenery decorating it.

Who would want a bug-infested heat lamp and rotting greens sitting on the counter just so you could put occasionally put some parsley beside your grilled chicken breast?

AEROGARDEN, I love you.