Friday, June 24

[Like trading cancer for a bullet in the head]
I scribbled the sentence above, which I overheard someone in the office say months ago, in my Far Side desk calendar at work on a random page and came to it yesterday. I had forgotten about it. When I saw it, I couldn't remember what the guy was talking about when he said it. Pretty morbid stuff, for sure.

Things around here are changing. Big changes, too big for the blog. Changes that don't need to be flippantly or cryptically written about, but that can't be ignored or passed over, as they constitute the most major changes in my life so far.

Phil's moving out at my request. He breached our trust in a way I can't quite forgive or overlook. It involves time and money spent on a woman who is not me. And while I still care for him — he has been my best friend for almost eight years — I can't help him anymore, or let him claim my heart. I feel like my efforts at being generous and tolerant were not just unappreciated, but spit on. His actions demonstrate to me that we don't belong together at this point in our lives. He has far too many things in his life to figure out, and I don't need to be bound to someone who finds it so easy to carelessly risk what we've built together. So I think it's best to go our separate ways for a while, maybe forever.

We both need to learn how to be alone, which will undoubtedly be the hardest part. The last time I was alone, I was a sophomore in high school. I lived with my parents and had a network of friends all around me, so I wasn't really alone. Plus, I was a kid. Now I'm in a city where I barely know a soul, with the closest friends a couple of hours away. If I get a flat tire, I'll have to fix it myself (or, more likely, call Cingular Roadside). If I lock myself out of the apartment or car, I'll have to call a locksmith. If I want to go to a movie, I'll have to go alone. If I want to eat out, I'll have to take a book. If I want to sit next to someone and talk, I'll just have to prop up a pillow. People do this all the time. Now it's my turn.

I hate that it had to end like this, and that Memphis will forever leave a sour taste in my mouth because of the way coming here has mangled everything I enjoyed about my life. I don't imagine I'll ever feel at home here, in part because I can't imagine convincing myself to get over the grudge I'll always hold. Memphis is the place I went where everything collapsed in on me and I had to face the reality of an uncertain future. Memphis is the place where I learned how much people who love you can hurt you. Memphis is the place where I realized why people rush to get married and have kids: Silence is so scary, it's tempting to make new people to be around you so you won't ever have to be alone.

We're ending this as amicably as possible, since we share pets and a deeper bond than can just be instantly severed by anger or carelessness. He'll probably have to leave a lot of his stuff here, since he really doesn't know where he's going and it won't be another apartment, but more likely, someone's spare bed or couch. I don't want him out of my life; he's important to me. And I to him. But I can't and won't love him anymore as anything more than a friend. He gambled and lost that bet. Well, more like the boys upstairs caught him pulling some fishy shit and told him to get out of the casino.

Don't ever forget how important the truth is.


Blogger TVonthefritz said...

Before this blog post, I wanted to visit you in Memphis. Of course, I have $17 in the ole checking account. Maybe I can mooch (sp?) off my parents some more so I can visit.

Fri Jun 24, 04:21:00 PM  
Blogger philip said...

To all of Lindsey's friends who read her blog. First I just want to say how sorry I am to all of you who I may have been a jerk to. I can be a asshole sometimes and get a little withdrawn, but I guess we all can at times. Second, I just want to tell everyone that I never ment for any of this to go this far. I never had any intention of being more than just friends with this other girl. Yes, I did spend money on her and went to a baseball game with her and lied to Lindsey about it but I never wanted to or let it get any futher than friends. None of you can ever understand or know what me and Lindsey had between us and before the name calling starts let me just say that I did fuck up and that I am willing to pay for my actions. Lindsey and I have already cried a million tears over this and I think we are both ready to just let go and move on. There will always be a void in my life because of this and I will always regret what I did, but I feel that I have held Lindsey back for so long and let her down so many times. She deserves to be happy and I want to give her that so I am going to let her go. I am not sure where I'm going in life and its going to be a hard fucked up road gettting there. I'am pretty sure you guys will never see or hear from me again, so everyone take care of yourselfs and thank you for being there for Lindsey when she needs it most.


Lindsey I will always love you.

Fri Jun 24, 06:54:00 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

I am so sorry to hear about your news. Hang in there!! If there's anything I can do, please let me know. We all love you and are here for you. I need to get down there, so we can go out soon.

Sat Jun 25, 09:06:00 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

There is nothing you can say to someone in a moment like this that even seems worth wasting breath on. Make sure you take the time you need. Miss you.

Sat Jun 25, 08:28:00 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

I didn't comment when I first read this because I didn't want it to sound trite. Now, I realize that everything I say will sound trite, and I'm hoping you know that I don't mean it to. I want you to know that I'm thinking about you, and as the cliche goes, "If you ever need anything..." Well, we all know I never sleep, so if you need to call someone and yell random obscenities, I'm the perfect one for that. I thrive on random obscenities. Other than that, I am forever amazed at the way your writing makes even the saddest moments beautiful. Take care of yourself, because it will be tempting not to. I love you lots.

Sun Jun 26, 08:18:00 PM  

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