A day in the life of Sir Howard 'Studly McStudderson' Weaver, Esq.

The doorknob, it mocks me.

Howey's been staying at my place for the past week. He's good company, even if he tends to be a little needy. From his journal:

2:30 a.m. Move from my perfectly acceptable sleep spot at the foot of the bed to the far more comfortable spot on Lindsey's stomach.

2:32 a.m. Move to Lindsey's chest.

2:33 a.m. Shove my paw in her face. Just to remind her that I'm here. If this doesn't work, lie on her face.

2:34-6:29 a.m. Stare at Lindsey while she tries to sleep.

6:30 a.m. OMG, someone let the rat things out of the cage. There they are, scuttling around the living room. It's time to gallop in circles around them!

6:50 a.m. I'm exhausted. I think I'll mewl pathetically for a while and think about Phil.

8 a.m. Finally, she opened the window. Think I'll perch up there and have salacious daydreams about maiming birds.

9 a.m. That doorknob has been taunting me all day. I think I'll go smack at it for a while.

9:20 a.m. I HATE THIS DOORKNOB. IT MUST DIE.

10:30 a.m. Maybe Lindsey will get up if I come sit on her chest and lightly rub my whiskers in her face. Maybe she will bring Phil to me.

11 a.m. She is at the computer, not paying attention to me. I think I'll mewl and look forlornly at my full food bowl. I don't want to eat anything Phil hasn't touched. Where is Phil? He has Greenies.

11:20 a.m. The brown rat thing is sniffing me. I feel compelled to smack him.

Noon I need human contact. Why is she ignoring me? Am I unloved and unwanted? Did the doorknob tell her to ignore me? Maybe if I jump up in her lap and shove my ass in her face and make it impossible to type, she will have to pay attention to me. And then she will bring me Phil.

1:30 p.m. I have been sitting in her lap for more than an hour and even though I shove myself in her face and she pets me patronizingly, she is still ignoring me. I will look up at her with my big yellow eyes and I will win her heart when I give her a little cat smooch.

2:30 p.m. Oh my god how long are we going to sit here I am so uncomfortable and I keep moving around and changing positions and she keeps putting me down and I keep jumping back up and where the hell is Phil?!?!?

2:45 p.m. There's the white rat thing, eating my food. I am filled with impotent rage.

3 p.m. Great, now Lindsey's gone into the bathroom and shut the door. Very funny. I will stand here and stare at the door until I can see through it.

3:01 p.m. She is never coming back. Not only is Phil not here, I've lost the other one too. I should wail for a bit.

3:03 p.m. That was fun. What's happening on the windowsill? I wonder where Phil is. I should bat this cord around for a minute, just to see what happens.

3:30 p.m. She's on the couch! I should jump on her and make biscuits on her stomach.

4 p.m. She went through the one door I've never been through. There's no telling how long she'll be gone. She even put the rat things in the cage. I am going to die here, all alone, with a bowl full of food that has rat-thing slobber on it and an annoying doorknob that will not ... that's it. IT'S ON.

4:01 p.m. Box the doorknob.

4:05 p.m. Nap.

6:13 p.m. Look out the window. Fantasize about pouncing on people's heads from above. They'd never knew what hit them.

6:48 p.m.: Sniff the door frame. Stare at my shadow. Why isn't it moving?

8:35 p.m. Someone's here. OH MY GOD it's Phil. PHIL!!! Phil Phil Phil Phil. Lindsey, too. But mostly PHIL!!! I have waited all day to rub whiskers with you and bury my paws into your belly and rub my wet little nose on your silly beard and WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME WITH HER AND THE DOORKNOB?

8:36-midnight Relax on my throne: Phil's stomach. I am never moving from this spot.

Midnight Okay, I will lie here at the foot of the bed but only because I want Phil to be comfortable, even if it means I must suffer in loneliness.

2:30 a.m. Here comes Lindsey. I think I'd like to lie on her chest.

UPDATE: 'Divalicious' has been removed from the title of this entry and replaced with "Studly McStudderson" because, for some stupid reason, Phil doesn't think his cat's a diva.