Monday, December 12

Blarf

Deep inside every man is a knight in shining armor, ready to rescue a maiden and slay a dragon. When a man feels trusted, he is free to be the strong, protecting man he longs to be.

Imagine a knight traveling through the countryside. He hears a princess in distress and rushes gallantly to slay the dragon. The princess calls out, 'I think this noose will work better!' and throws him a rope. As she tells him how to use the noose, the knight obliges her and kills the dragon. Everyone is happy, except the knight, who doesn't feel like a hero. He is depressed and feels unsure of himself. He would have preferred to use his own sword.

The knight goes on another trip. The princess reminds him to take the noose. The knight hears another maiden in distress. He remembers how he used to feel before he met the princess; with a surge of confidence, he slays the dragon with his sword. All the townspeople rejoice, and the knight is a hero. He never returned to the princess. Instead, he lived happily ever after in the village, and eventually married the maiden — but only after making sure she knew nothing about nooses.

Moral of the story: Occasional assistance may be all right, but too much will lessen a man's confidence or even turn him away from his princess.


Think this is a bad analogy from The Rules? If only.

It's actually from some abstinence-only literature that was distributed in some schools in this country.

Some other shiny gems include:

Females have the uncanny ability to remember the most insignificant details about past experiences. This terrifies the average male. The loaded question “Do you remember when . . . ” sends many an unsuspecting guy into a cold sweat. Men tend to be more tuned in to what is happening today and what needs to be done for a secure future.


and

While a man needs little or no preparation for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation.

5 Major Needs of Women:
Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment

5 Major Needs of Men:
Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Admiration, Domestic Support


Pardon me while I go wash this puddle of vomit out of my mouth.

Via Broadsheet, which picked it up from Harper's

4 Comments:

Blogger nashgirl said...

I'm confused as to what a woman offering advice to a man has to do with abstinence. Is the noose symbolic of marriage? Or of a condom?
Besides it being incredibly sexist, its also confusing.

Mon Dec 12, 07:05:00 PM  
Blogger phallicpen said...

I know I need hours of emotional and mental preparation. But I usually spend that time masturbating.

Mon Dec 12, 08:07:00 PM  
Blogger theogeo said...

I think the noose is referring to either a vibrator or the simple act of a woman offering guidance to a man on how to get her off. So what the hell tiptoeing around Man's Fragile Ego has to do with abstinence, I have nooooo idea.

Mon Dec 12, 08:14:00 PM  
Blogger phallicpen said...

I got it, I got it.

If we don't give up our precious pits, we're exercising a lack of natural sexuality and allowing the men to either work unassisted or ravage like strong beasts, satisfying the male need to struggle alone with no help from potential rivals or weakling girls.

God, people are stupid. At least our experiences as females push for either complete surrender or constant, anxious examination. Men are encouraged to continue unconcerned with their natural urges, which aren't natural at all, only psychological creations of a bunch of threatened homophobes. I hate everybody.

Mon Dec 12, 09:15:00 PM  

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