Sunday, December 4

This post is about dog balls

For the dog that has everything ... except nuts

I went to the clinic with Phil today to walk dogs. (It was his weekend to work.) We made our way through the cages, taking each little pooch outside to the grassy median to do his/her business. Among them: a hyperactive Boston terrier, a sweet old daschund with mottled grey hair, a deaf King Charles spaniel, and an old, practically blind English bull terrier.

And a big doberman pinscher with fake balls.

Yeah, I was surprised too, having never heard of the magnificence known as Neuticles. But they're real, and they help your pet "retain his natural look, self esteem and [aid] in the trauma associated with neutering."

Apparently it's not just dogs that can get fake nards — cats, horses, and bulls can, too. And more than 100,000 animals are walking around right now with fake equipment.

Neuticals apparently were developed out of an altruistic desire to leave neutered dogs "whole." The Neuticals creator, Gregg A. Miller, was faced with neutering his dog Buck back in the day, and was hesitant to do it because "Buck would no longer be Buck!"

From the site:

We feel the removal of a God given body part — leaving a male pet looking unwhole after the traditional form of neutering is not only unethical but unnatural. With Neuticles it's like nothing ever changed.

Aw, that's touching. But surely I'm not the only one who is more than a little squeamish when confronted with having to look at dog balls bouncing around and rubbing on things. Even if they're just filled with gel. I mean, they may be natural, but they are ugly. I've always considered the ball-loss involved in neutering a perk. And I've never met a dog that acted differently after being neutered because he didn't have balls; any change in personality comes from the loss of testosterone. I doubt the dogs even notice that they don't have balls to lick anymore. Well, maybe they do. I guess most men would feel totally lost without a sack to scratch. Not that I'm saying men are dogs. But men do like to scratch their naughty bits as much as dogs like to lick their hindquarters. It's a natural comparison.

People apparently pay $73 to $329 per pair for these things. The creator is probably very wealthy by now, and he's even won an Ig Nobel Prize for his contribution to the dog community's collective false sense of masculinity. What a country.


Blogger Your friendly Maytag repairman said...

Just one question: Are they salty?

Mon Dec 05, 03:23:00 PM  
Blogger phallicpen said...

Gross, Cox.

Neutering doesn't change a pet, just like clipping the vas deferens doesn't change a hubby and shaving the mons pubis doesn't change an old hag into a hot, nasty teen slut 4 U.

Mon Dec 05, 04:39:00 PM  
Blogger theogeo said...

Cox: Doubt it. They're made of silicon (or is it silicone? I get them mixed up), not saline. But you'll have to do your own taste test to know for sure.

Amburrito: Can I just point out the potential for the mom joke in that last bit about the hag, or do I have to spell out the entire joke? The tediom!

Mon Dec 05, 11:49:00 PM  
Blogger nashgirl said...

I'm thinking of getting Alvy neutered. Or spayed, whichever is right. He's started humping my parent's male Husky.

Tue Dec 06, 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger theogeo said...

Oh no! Poor Alex (right? Alex?)!

It's snippin' time for Alvy!

And if you notice a sharp drop in Alvy's self-esteem, you know what to do to make him feel better. Science rules and stuff.

Tue Dec 06, 11:07:00 AM  

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