Open letter to Nina M. Booher of Spotsylvania, Va.

Hi, Nina. You may not remember me, but the front end of your fancy 1996 Acura 3.2TL became intimately acquainted with the rear end of my 2000 Oldsmobile Alero at the end of December. Perhaps you recall that meeting. I recall it was quite traumatic for you because you yelled at me to look at your car, opining all the while that it was going to cost SO MUCH to fix, even though you were the one who hit me.

Anyhoo, Nina M. Booher of Spotsylvania, Va., it has come to my attention, via the accident report that has finally made its way into my hot little hands, that you told the officer that I swerved into your lane, which caused you to plow into the ass of my car.

I suppose that in your drunken state, it probably seemed like I was swerving into your lane even though I was sitting completely still for a good three minutes, waiting on a break in the steady oncoming traffic. But then again, it probably also seemed like you were happy and popular and headed downtown for a night of great fun, but that turned out not to be the case, either, as, apparently, they arrested your ass and took you downtown for other less fun reasons.

Which makes you a little psychic, I think, because, as you'll recall, the first thing your stupid ass said to me when I got out of my car and looked at you was, "I"m fucked. I'm going to jail."

That's a special talent, Nina. It should serve you well. Maybe the first thing you will think tomorrow when you wake up is, "I'm an arrogant, lying bitch who's lucky I'm not having the holy living fuck sued out of me. Yet."

So, Nina, what I'm getting at is this: Not only were you monumentally bitchy to me when it was completely your fault that we had this accident at all, but you were also fucking stupid enough to stand around in front of me with your tuxedoed fratboy goon squad and openly debate who was going to take the fall for driving, only to wuss out at the last second and have the truth wrangled from you by an angry cop. But on top of that — the shit icing on a shit cake — you had the cojones to walk over to that cop and tell him — out of my earshot — that I was the one who pulled some stupid shenanigans to cause that wreck? Wow, Nina Booher. You may be the dumbest Spotsylvanian ever. Which probably doesn't say much.

I hope you forgive my immaturity in this matter. But I thought you and anyone who Googles you should at least know how I feel.