Wednesday, December 24

Oh. My. God. I am exhausted.

The women of my family are seated in the den, watching some redneck comedians on Comedy Central. The men of my family are sprawled out in my parents' bedroom, watching the exact same thing. I didn't realize that gender apartheid happened in my family. Every now and then I hear enormous guffaws waft down the stairwell. What's annoying is that I can hear the joke in the next room, and after a delay, I hear their laughter coming from upstairs.

And for the record, the jokes are not even funny. At all.

Today was such a bitch. I woke up at 5:30 this morning because the plan was for me and my mom to accompany my dad to Jackson (an hour drive) to get an MRI at 8. Afterward, we planned on going to see the LOTR matinee while my mom finished Christmas shopping and whatnot. So on the way to Jackson, my mom gets one of her legendary migrains, so she is feeling totally shitty the whole time. We get there and dad does his thing as we wait in the sterile waiting room and I tell my mom that the American brand of consumer capitalism is crippling our culture and world. I guess that didn't help her head, so she goes out to the truck to sleep while I wait on dad to get done having his brain scanned.

We get out and mom is barely able to lift her head or speak. We decide to skip the movie and head by K-mart for an essential gift pick-up as mom sleeps in the back seat. We get home, and between that time and about three hours ago, familial drama ensues.

My aunt calls my grandmother to discuss the location of the annual xmas eve family get-together, which is usually held at Grandmaw's house. But Cindy, my aunt, tries to tell her that we're having it at my house because my mom isn't feeling well. But my grandmother, who is in full-on bitch mode, goes on a tirade about how she never knows anything and that someone should have told her. So my aunt calls my dad, who calls my grandmother and explains things. Problem solved, right? Heh.

Long story short, we go to help carry food and gifts to my house from my grandmother's, and she is a total jerk, yelling at everybody. She makes my aunt cry and we come back to my house (we live, like, 200 feet away) and my aunt breaks down and says if the abuse doesn't stop, she's leaving. So my dad is pissed and goes over to my grandmother's to straighten the shit out.

I guess things got worked out, because two hours later, they came over here and things were civil. But we found out that she was so bitchy because her bf dumped her yesterday. He's the married man she's dating that everyone is so weird about.

So then we kick off the fun and everyone is so loud, but I can handle it for a little while. My great grandmother is bundled up in a chair next to a potty chair (she can't get up our stairs). My sister is constantly talking about her new boyfriend. My cousin is trying to tell the same racist joke he told a million times during Thanksgiving. My aunt is grimacing from her headache. My mom is trying to clean up after everyone. My little cousin is picking at the dog, making him bark and knock things over. My uncle is enlightening us on why women aren't meant for military combat. I am bracing myself for a complete mental breakdown.

And now everyone's leaving as I type this. Granny is spending the night because it's hard to get her back to her house because she is so pitifully feeble. My sister is spending the night because she won't get her kids until tomorrow and she can't bear to be home alone on xmas eve without the boys. Tomorrow I will be 22, whatever that means.


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