Saturday, July 14

Universe, I am annoyed

Is it even possible to buy a bra that does not piss me off? I doubt it.

First off, I'm pissed that I have agreed to give in to the cultural mandate to wear a bra. I don't actually *need* a bra insomuch as anyone actually *needs* a bra. I'm not ashamed to admit that; I'm quite relieved that I don't have to worry about all that extra baggage. I'm sure I have plenty of back problems to look forward to anyway.

So, my wearing a bra is a purely calculated move based on my desire to assimilate into and move freely within society by incorporating female drag. Same reason I wear makeup sometimes and wear my hair long and "ladylike." Some female drag I have incorporated into my routine; some female drag I have not. I suspect most women pick and choose which bits of typically feminine crap they want to bother with.

But if I'm going to wear a bra (which, I suspect, most of us do on a daily basis mostly to shield the world from the occasional outline of a — gasp! — nipple), is it too much to ask that the frigging thing a) not evoke images of Madonna with their torpedo cups; b) not be stuffed with so much padding that my humble size begins to look a bit more ample than it actually is; c) not come embedded with wires that puncture my lungs every time I move? (I haven't bought an underwire in many years, but it seems that the tradeoff is a bra with copious amounts of unneeded padding.)

Does there exist a bra that does not seek to pump up my modest B into a generous C?

I sure as shit can't seem to find one.

Oh, and, should it exist, I'm not fucking paying more than $20 for this mythical swatch of fabric, either. What a crock.

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Blogger WordK said...

Interestingly enough, my bras are the part of female drag that bother me the least, haven't a clue why that is. Nor does shopping for them annoy me, mostly because I've been sticking to one brand and size for the past couple of years so I can be in and out of the department store in less than fifteen minutes. (if I don't have to wait in line) Any other department mall shopping trip is likely to leave me cursing about how there's nothing I like and if there is it doesn't fit me, but bra shopping and I get along pretty well.

Sat Jul 14, 10:05:00 PM  
Blogger TVonthefritz said...

Don't do it. Let your titties hang free!

Sun Jul 15, 07:24:00 AM  
Blogger nashgirl said...

I feel the same way about women's underwear. I have to dig through the drawers at Victoria's Secret just to find panties that actually cover my butt.

Sun Jul 15, 12:15:00 PM  
Blogger mike said...

I'm not a woman, so I don't know which is why I ask: Why not sports bras? They cover, hold in place and don't appear any more problematic than a tight cotton t-shirt. What am I missing?

Sun Jul 15, 02:34:00 PM  
Blogger phallicpen said...

I told underwire and padding to eat my ass long ago. VS has some nice bras, as does American Apparel. I just bought one from American Eagle for $11. It's a racerback, which takes some getting used to, but it does the trick.

Sun Jul 15, 07:09:00 PM  
Blogger phallicpen said...

I'm sending you some lingerie links. Oooh, aaaahh, sexy sexy.

Sun Jul 15, 07:10:00 PM  
Blogger theogeo said...

Word, I want to find bra zen like you've done.

Fritz, there was a period of about two weeks in college when I did just that. And it was ... awkward.

KHall, I've given up on VS for anything. I was in there the other day for the first time in a few years and was astonished at how it had changed. There was stuff for the "University of Pink" everywhere. ??? But yeah, I know what you mean about their underwear. I'm sticking to Target packs of five from now on. :)

Mike, sports bras — for me, at least — tend to do the unflattering opposite of what the other bras I bitch about do: They contort and flatten what I've got in a way that makes me look like a fat 15-year-old boy. It's not a good look. Also, one word: BACKFAT.

PP, I've never tried a racerback. But if they bring the backfat like sports bras, I might scream.

Mon Jul 16, 09:09:00 AM  
Blogger La C. said...

When my VS bra broke loose and the underwire stabbed me in the side that was the day that I decided never to put on one of those fucking things again. Seriously, under-Clothing that makes you bleed, give me a break.

Mon Jul 16, 12:05:00 PM  
Blogger sarah saint said...

For me, bras are a necessity for 1)my back, and 2)my vanity. As a DD, I am willing pay top dollar for a bra that can lift 'em, hold 'em, provide enough coverage so as not to let let a nipple show but not so much padding as to increase size, and doesn't look like something my grandma wears (those horrid beige contraptions with forty hooks and thick seams that inexplicably run straight across the front). For such an item, I'll fork over a good bit of money. And since the only people who see my undergarments are my husband and myself, I take personal preference into consideration as far as appearance. Maybe I'm not as evolved, but I still enjoy that my husband still enjoys my tits, and I feel especially good about them when they're cradled in cute packaging.

I draw firm lines at drawers, though. No thongs. I gave in a couple times and felt ridiculous. Unflattering and uncomfortable. Boy-shorts are the only option. So there.

Mon Jul 16, 01:40:00 PM  

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