Ways to make my life easier and, by extension, make the world a better place

• Give me $100 so my rent check won't bounce.

• Better yet, buy me a house.

• Get my jokes. They're not that obscure.

• Make my arms stop peeling. How many layers, exactly, did I burn?

• Squash this insufferable anxious ennui that's churning in my gut at all times.

• Give me some kind of hope that I'm not wasting my twenties being even angstier and weirder and lonelier than my teens.

• Mandate that if a machine will only take quarters, there must be a functioning change machine within twenty feet.

• Go get my clothes out of the dryer.