Open letter to the person who cleaned up the laundry room

My sincerest thanks for the excellent job you did clearing off the folding table and taking out the trash, which probably hadn't been emptied in months and was overflowing with lint balls and innumerable grains of washing powder and gooey bottles of liquid detergent and the occasional ripped sock.

But did you have to throw out the rest of my detergent and dryer sheets? I mean, both were running a little low, but I guess that's okay because I'm made of money and can just eat the $4 or so worth of Gain and Snuggle you hastily disposed of in your cleaning frenzy.

And to the rest of you who saw fit to use my dryer sheets (and I know many of you must have; I do my laundry once every other week or so and use two dryer sheets per load, yet my clearly labeled month-old box of dryer sheets was, when I checked last week, down to about 10 from 50 or so), I hope every time you smell your towels you are engulfed with the prickliest guilt imaginable.

Infinitesimally yours,
Lindsey