Flavor of awesome television

"I love my ghetto, fo' sheezy."

There is no doubt in my mind that I would be happy if I didn't have cable TV. I've lived without it off and on now for several years, and there was a marked increase in my creativity during those periods when the TV was dark. But to say that the Idiot Box is without its occasional merits is blasphemy. There is something to be said for having completely vapid entertainment with no real artistic value available for those moments when you just need to be numbed, or sit on the couch and pick at your toenails while you wait to go to work.

Those occasions practically scream for Flavor of Love.

The show -- now miraculously in its second season (which means Flavor Flav has now been on the cablewaves for something like four years; first with The Surreal Life, then with that show where Brigitte Nielsen called him "foofy foofy," then in FOL Season One, and now with FOL Season Two) -- is of the "reality" persuasion, and it fills Flav's house with a gaggle of attractive young women who vie for his affection and large clock-shaped neckwear.

This show is compelling for so many reasons. Obviously, Flav is crazy as a fucking fox. He's got to be pushing fifty now, and you can see the crazy in his eyes just about every time he speaks. It's sort of endearing though, because so much about him makes him seem like he's a goofy teenager whose every thought is focused on making sure the next phrase he utters rhymes. He wears a viking helmet and silly plastic sunglasses, and wall clocks as necklaces. He has a golden grill and chows down on fried chicken legs with reckless abandon. He is a force of nature.

And everyone in the house trying to hook up with him is actually repulsed by him. The great thing is that some of them don't even try to hide it! He'll be on his private little date with one of the women and move in for a kiss, and the woman will start trying to shove her face into her own neck to escape his lips. It's brutal. And hilarious.

The show's major reason for existing is not Flav's genuine quest to find true love; it's the constant drama between the women in the house and the humiliating stunts they are made to do to gain Flav's favor (Flavor? heh). You'd think I wouldn't like it based on those grounds alone, wouldn't you? Never underestimate my love of schadenfreude. Keep in mind, though, that Flav is a joke too, but he doesn't even know it. There is some complicated dramatic irony at work in this retarded show. You've got the host -- the eligible bachelor -- and all these women fawning over him, but not a single one of them actually means it. They are there to be on TV, to fondle a little piece of Flav's stardom or wealth, and they will do the most ridiculously fucked-up things in their quest.

Last season I sort of rooted for Hoopz, because she seemed so normal and nice (except for when she got her hair done and flipped out). But by the end of the show I realized what a fool I'd been. New York was obviously a better fit for Flav. She was just as fucking weird and crazy as he is. They could have made beautiful crazy babies and had some of the most insane conversations ever uttered by humans. I never saw the finale so I don't know who won. Alls I know is that there's a season two, so whoever Flav picked didn't turn out to be The One.

That's great.

Because The One is Buckwild from season two.

It's perfect. Her ambiguous urban background (which several contestants on the show seem to think is completely fake) is the perfect match for Flav's outrageously staged and silly personality. She says the dumbest shit in the dumbest ways, as does Flav. She could probably rhyme everything she said if they worked on it together. They're both kinda squirrelly. She could give him a run for his money if they got in a crazyfight.

They are perfect for each other. At least this season.