Blog of a killer

It probably won't remain online for much longer, but the blog written by the psycho who killed and planned to cannibalize a 10-year-old girl in Oklahoma is certainly a bit of interesting reading.

This entry, from Feb. 4, stinks of desperation and painful emotional instability and social anxiety. But his sentiments aren't exactly foreign or unthinkable; they're pretty common.

Pretty much the only time I believe in God is when I want to blame Him for something. Or, when I'm really depressed, to cry and beg him to make me better, to make whatever is wrong in my brain go away, so that I can live like a normal person.

That's all I want in life, is to be able to live like a normal person.

In a post called "The Past," he writes:

But still, over the last year or so I find myself becoming more and more detached from the world. I almost never leave the apartment except to go to work or my parents' house, and when I do leave the apartment, I walk around like a zombie, with a blank expression on my face, not looking at anything or anyone. In fact, the last couple of months, I've noticed that my eyesight is going, probably because my eyes are getting weak. Whenever I'm out of the house, I never focus on anything, I stare blankly ahead, operating on a sort of fuzzy peripheral vision. The only things I ever really focus on and look at are books or computer screens for hours on end, which strains my eyes further. When I'm not safe in my apartment, I am silent and expressionless, looking at nothing. I have no personality. If someone says hi to me, I either ignore them, or grunt out a small "hi," or "ok," if they ask me how I'm doing. It gets worse every day, I withdraw farther and farther into myself with each passing week.

His Blogger profile blurb reads: "Single, bored, and lonely, but other than that, pretty happy."

But he was so not happy at all. He was anti-happy.

One of the commenters on the site says something that captures the profound and tragic preternaturalness of reading the blog written by a killer (kind of like when the blog written by that BTK killer surfaced):

He seems like a normal, sad person on the internet.

There are two tragedies in this story: The little girl who was brutalized and killed, and the severely sick man who needed more help and love than anyone could ever give him.