[What else are we here for?]
Memphis,

We need to talk. I know I said some mean things about you at the beginning of our relationship, and I'm sorry. Most of what I said wasn't very fair. I was just frustrated at how difficult and strained our new relationship seemed, and I was quick to blame you for things that weren't necessarily your fault.

I know I can't really blame you for the fact that I don't have any friends here. That's a biproduct of my introverted nature; it took me two years to make friends in the 'Boro. And it's not your fault that the maintenance people at my apartment complex would rather ride their golf carts than fix my air conditioner or the leak in my ceiling. It is your fault, however, that Poplar Avenue exists, but I can't exactly chastise you for its popularity and neverending congestion.

Here's the thing: I was really hesitant to trust you, and I still am, actually. It's just that I'm coming out of a long-term relationship with another city, and we had such good times together that every little thing that goes wrong here makes me suspicious that you and I may not be right for each other.

I know you must think I'm still in love with Murfreesboro, the way I speak of it with such nostalgic longing. I'll admit it -- much of my heart still resides there. But you need to understand that I came of age in the arms of Murfreesboro, and that both Murfreesboro and Nashville were always kind to me. They will always be dear friends to me, and you've got to accept that.

Now that I've gotten around to admitting some of my shortcomings, I think you should do the same. I mean, neither of us is perfect. I hope you understand that you can be a real bitch at times. And you let a lot of real jerks hang out around you. I know this isn't necessarily your fault, but don't you think it makes you seem like a jerk if lots of the people around you are jerks? What is it about you that makes you a jerk enabler? Even the writers of South Park recognize this truth (see episode 35) and have broadcast it to the world. When will you catch on and try to be a little less grumpy and ornery?

And what's with your expensive tastes? Why should a two-person household pay $150 for electricity each month? Why don't you offer a cable plan that's cheaper than $50? Why should you expect me to pay $106 to register my car here? And why does it cost $30 for a simple oil change? What about your outrageous car insurance rates? Why should I have to pay $950 every six months for my shitty little innocuous car to grace your streets?

While we're talking about cars, you really need to tell that snobby friend of yours, Germantown, that it's not cool to just take pictures of people accidentally running red lights by .92 seconds and then passive-aggressively mail them photos of their infraction, demanding $50. That is so not cool. Where I come from, cops have to track down people using flashing lights and sirens to tell them what they did wrong before they can demand money for it. I understand Germantown is rich and trendy, but that bandwagon is for the birds.

Anyway, I think it's fair to tell you that my family and friends warned me about getting involved with you. They said you were wild and unpredictable and that you might break my heart (or my face). But I told them I could handle you -- and I intend to. I know you've got a lot to offer, and that I can't judge you by your asshole friends. I like being around you, especially now, in the spring, when many of your blemishes are hidden beneath clumps of honeysuckle and azaleas.

Just please be good to me and I promise I'll give you a chance.