Selected quotes from Holidizzle 2007
My 13-year-old cousin Tyler: Aunt Fran could barely talk last night! She was slurring her words together and dancing around the Christmas tree!
Mom: I was not! I was fully coherent. [pause] I was trashed.
::::::::::::
Aunt Cindy: Keri bought this birdhouse that, y'all, I swear, the front door to it looks exactly like a vagina.
Dad: So you know every time that bird comes home he feels like a pussy.
::::::::::::
Mom: I have a doodie story!
::::::::::::
Mom (in the hopes of embarrassing my brother in front of his new girlfriend Beverly): Uh oh. I feel a full moon coming on.
Evan (who has a propensity for mooning people at inappropriate times, if there is even an appropriate time to moon anyone): Uh oh, I think you want to see it.
::::::::::::
Casey (my 12-year-old nephew, entering the room with the white-wine bottle I had drained earlier): Ooooh, Aunt Lindsey, are you going to keep this bottle? Can I have it? I love saving bottles.
Me (looking at my sister Krissie): You'll have to ask your mom, but as far as I'm concerned, go for it. Just wash it out first.
Krissie (looking mildly dismayed): I don't care. Just wash it out first. (To me) He is just like you -- a friggin' packrat. He keeps bottles, scraps of paper, everything.
[Casey comes back into the room, swigging some light-colored liquid out of the wine bottle.]
Krissie: NOPE! HUH-UH. GO POUR THAT OUT AND PUT THE BOTTLE UP.
::::::::::::
Krissie (as an aside during a boisterous game of Malarky) : What's the difference between a corset and a girdle? And where does the extra fat go when you wear one?
Me: I think a corset rides higher and lower, and it's got whalebone or something in it. All the fat is shoved into the empty cavities of your body and it smothers your organs! They're both a physical manifestation of the oppression of women!
Entire room: GROOOOOAN.
::::::::::::
Heee heee. My family is hilarious. There was a lot of laughter yesterday. For several people in my family, it's been a really tough year. But we usually manage to come together and make each other cry laughing a few times a year. My only regret is that I didn't write down some of the other stuff that was said, like the conversation about bras and cup size, when I learned that damn near everyone in my family is a D or Double D except me. According to them, though, it's possible that I will just randomly wake up with a huge rack some day (if I ever have kids), which is what happened to all of them.
Ahhh, Christmas gives us such hope.
Mom: I was not! I was fully coherent. [pause] I was trashed.
::::::::::::
Aunt Cindy: Keri bought this birdhouse that, y'all, I swear, the front door to it looks exactly like a vagina.
Dad: So you know every time that bird comes home he feels like a pussy.
::::::::::::
Mom: I have a doodie story!
::::::::::::
Mom (in the hopes of embarrassing my brother in front of his new girlfriend Beverly): Uh oh. I feel a full moon coming on.
Evan (who has a propensity for mooning people at inappropriate times, if there is even an appropriate time to moon anyone): Uh oh, I think you want to see it.
::::::::::::
Casey (my 12-year-old nephew, entering the room with the white-wine bottle I had drained earlier): Ooooh, Aunt Lindsey, are you going to keep this bottle? Can I have it? I love saving bottles.
Me (looking at my sister Krissie): You'll have to ask your mom, but as far as I'm concerned, go for it. Just wash it out first.
Krissie (looking mildly dismayed): I don't care. Just wash it out first. (To me) He is just like you -- a friggin' packrat. He keeps bottles, scraps of paper, everything.
[Casey comes back into the room, swigging some light-colored liquid out of the wine bottle.]
Krissie: NOPE! HUH-UH. GO POUR THAT OUT AND PUT THE BOTTLE UP.
::::::::::::
Krissie (as an aside during a boisterous game of Malarky) : What's the difference between a corset and a girdle? And where does the extra fat go when you wear one?
Me: I think a corset rides higher and lower, and it's got whalebone or something in it. All the fat is shoved into the empty cavities of your body and it smothers your organs! They're both a physical manifestation of the oppression of women!
Entire room: GROOOOOAN.
::::::::::::
Heee heee. My family is hilarious. There was a lot of laughter yesterday. For several people in my family, it's been a really tough year. But we usually manage to come together and make each other cry laughing a few times a year. My only regret is that I didn't write down some of the other stuff that was said, like the conversation about bras and cup size, when I learned that damn near everyone in my family is a D or Double D except me. According to them, though, it's possible that I will just randomly wake up with a huge rack some day (if I ever have kids), which is what happened to all of them.
Ahhh, Christmas gives us such hope.
Labels: Christmas, comedy, the family
posted by theogeo | 12/26/2007 11:05:00 AM
3 Comments:
Ha! That's pure gold, LT. YOU'RE INSPIRING YOUR NEPHEW TO BECOME A WINO! lol. Just kidding.
My Mom always told me that once she was pregnant with me women told her to not take the "pills" afterwards and her boobs would stay big. But she said, after a lifetime of being a modest B cup, that she couldn't sleep with big boobies because they were all up in her face and uncomfortable when she tried to sleep on her side.
She also calls boobies "nooners."
I'm glad you had a wonderful holiday! As I get older I've learned that those hysterical moments with family that you rarely see are really the most wonderful gift I could ever hope for. I'm glad you racked up the loot. :)
This was the first Christmas since I've moved to the West Coast. And sooo much has changed in the last six to seven years - my mom moving out of my childhood home to Florida, for example - there's something comforting about the sameness of it all. Same decorations, with some new ones to break up the monotony. Same food. Same random present that my grandmother probably found half-off somewhere that has absolutely nothing to do with me or my interests. Same bickering between my grandparents. Same hiding behind the garage to smoke the same ol' stuff with my cousins.
There are new things, too. Thanks to my cousins pumping out babies, this year was the first year that we've had five generations in the house - I'm not sure this dawned on anyone else but me.
I think my (extended) family's pretty freaking weird. I'm quite sure they feel the same way about me. But we all understand that and don't care and get together to eat, play with the new babies and tell funny stories on each other. The further I got away from everything I ever knew, the more I craved that sameness that a family Christmas brings.
PT, I KNOW! I felt so bad! Also, fully 50 percent of all my gifts from my family were wine-related in nature. Which is freaking awesome! But I wonder if they think I'm an alcoholic!
Nooners, haaa haaa!
Cox, you are so totally right about craving that sameness, which is why holidays are so bittersweet for me. It's like all I want is for Christmas to feel like it did when I was a kid -- when it felt completely warm and completely safe -- but every year it changes and the realities of being an adult overshadow all the *magic and wonder* that made Christmas so awesome when I was little.
That's one of the main reasons why I'm so scared to move anywhere further away; you can't even pretend that things are the same once you do that.
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