In which I suddenly and arbitrarily give "Purple" Nirpal Dhaliwal a fisking

"I only ate ice cubes and sunflower seeds today!" "Good, now shut the fuck up!"

I was minding my own business, surfing the 'tubes tonight and admiring the new look of Bitch Magazine's site, when I stumbled upon one Nirpal Dhaliwal and his ridiculously sexist brainshits.

Nirpal Dhaliwal (whose name probably doesn't rhyme with "purple," unfortunately for my title up there) is one of those trendy alpha-male feminist-backlash types — one of the courageous few men who will stand up and say to all those women out there, "Fuck you! You've held dominion over society long enough!" without pausing for a moment to relish the pus-filled irony. You know the type. They pepper the New York Times' lifestyle pieces that insist that women really do love their oppression as long as they get to choose it. People like Greg Berendt, he of He's Just Not That Into You fame, and that guy Salon interviewed a couple of months ago who had a comical take-the-power-back book I've now totally forgotten everything about.

Dhaliwal is a man's man. No — a man's man's man! To the tenth power. He possesses all the traits he — coincidentally, of course! — happens to think are endangered male traits that need to be preserved: Hyper-dominance, arrogance, sexual prowess, the jerk gene, hubris and selfishness.These traits, Dhaliwal argues, are being browbeaten out of men the whole world over by nattering micromanagers known as wives and mothers and girlfriends, who just want to mold and sculpt every guy they encounter into bepenised versions of themselves.

Or something like that.

Basically, Dhaliwal says that women — feminists, actually — have ruined Real Men by infecting their consciousness with such concerns as emotions and health and art and fashion and all that sissy shit.

Back in the Nineties, emboldened by the successes of feminism, women sought to slay the dragon of patriarchy by turning men into ridiculous cissies who would cry with them through chick-flicks and then cook up a decent lasagne.

Suddenly, women wanted to drive home their newfound equality by moulding men to be more like them.

This velvet revolution was reflected in a series of broader cultural changes. After decades of uncompromising movie heroes like Marlon Brando and Clint Eastwood, we were asked to fall for stuttering, floppy-haired fops like Hugh Grant; touchy-feely and hopelessly embarrassed around women.

Interesting, right? It seems as though Dhaliwal considers "Real Men" to be those men who are utterly unreal and exist solely in Hollywood lore — archetypes like cowboys and mob bosses whose real counterparts weren't quite so glamourous and staid. Could it be that Hugh Grant's fumbling Brit archetype became so popular because it more accurately reflected the charming awkwardness of cosmopolitan modern man? But didn't Hugh Grant play a couple of real jerks, too? And didn't he become a huge international joke there for a little while because of his appetite for prostitutes? Now that's the behavior of a Real Man, isn't it, Mr. Dhaliwal? Why you gotta pick on Hugh when he's basically abiding by your Code of Real Manhood?

Oh, right. It's just your self-loathing Britishness coming out. You must have a real nostalgic hard-on for mid-century American actors. It's okay; a lot of people do. But it's just embarrassing for you to posit that your gender is in trouble because some people enjoyed a couple of romantic comedies starring a fumbling frontman with a silly accent. You've got to stop playing with your imaginary Hollywood dolls — sorry, action figures! — and come back to reality, where things aren't quite so simplistic and nothing you say makes any goddamned sense.

Rather than partnership, professional women tend to seek dominance in a relationship. They map their lives out early on and pursue their dream of 'having it all' with cold-blooded ruthlessness.

Young women have a crystal-clear agenda: they want the career, the wardrobe, the smartly furnished house, the 4x4 and the cute kids they'll ferry in it to expensive schools. No man is going to get in their way; and the men they choose for themselves are pliant and feeble enough to facilitate that programme.

Those cold-blooded professional women, conniving to be self-sufficient so they won't have to depend on a man — or anyone else — for survival. God, how underhanded and ruthless! What makes them think they have any right to do that? Planning for the future — it's nearly treasonous, I tell you. Murderous, even. You men don't want to get caught up in that business. A woman who has planned a comfy life for herself and worked hard to achieve it won't need you for survival and therefore you might actually have to craft a loving egalitarian relationship with her that's based on mutual enjoyment of each other's company and stuff. And what's a relationship without financial and emotional exploitation?

Deep down, women love men who stand up to them, who won't be pushed around. They love men who will look them in the eye and tell them to shut up when their hormonal bickering has become too much.

Yes, preach it, Ye Who Knows What Goes On In My Mind! Tell me what I love, Arbiter Of My Deepest Desires! Remind me of the 11th Commandment: "He who has the external junk knows the score and makes the rules." Let me know how weird I am for having hormones and daring to argue while possessing a vagina! Tell me to shut the fuck up and like it! Treat me like a child, wise one! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I'm always telling my wife, the writer Liz Jones, to shut up. She gets into a prissy huff about it, but I know she respects me for not indulging her neuroticism. Long ago, I realised it is unhealthy for a man to embroil himself in arguments with women.

No, Nirpal, what's unhealthy is your wife's anorexia and completely fucked-up self image, which is most likely what prompts her to stay married to a cretin such as yourself. Seriously, anorexia is a major, major problem and the fact that you call her "Chubby" and she can write about her disease so flippantly is kind of freaking me out because it's so profoundly sad and you are such an incredible asshole. It's got me addressing you directly, by name, which is kind of weird.

But while I'm addressing you, perhaps I should point out how incomprehensibly arrogant it is of you to dole out relationship advice when you have the kind of toxic relationship in which you can't even be faithful.

Last Christmas, my wife threw me out after discovering I'd been cheating on her. On the night we got back together, I made strong, passionate love to her. Unfaithful as I'd been, I was not going to let her have me over a barrel for the rest of our marriage. I needed to keep a sense of self and not allow her to mire me in guilt and a desperate quest of forgiveness.

I needed to let her know what she would be missing if we broke up for ever. I gave her a manful bravura performance that night, and at the height of her passion, I asked her: 'Who's the boss?'

The question threw her. Initially she wouldn't give me a reply, but I enticed it from her. 'You are,' she finally gasped. 'You are!' I am a very difficult man to be with. I know I have caused my wife great pain and anxiety. But she is an adult, and ultimately it is wholly her choice whether she wants to be with me or not - I cannot be anyone other than myself.

Jesus. I mean, Jeeeeesus.

It drives me crazy that both Dhaliwal and Jones write columns that are basically about how much their relationship sucks, masked as poignant universal social observation. They're both completely fucked-up sociopaths and probably impossible to deal with on all sorts of different levels. But cheating on your wife and then fucking her and making her tell you you're the boss so you wouldn't be mired in guilt? That's probably the most narcissistic thing I've ever heard in my entire life. How could you possibly stay married to someone you hated so much? I'm asking on behalf of both of them, because it's clear he hates her (or loves himself to a degree where loving her isn't really possible) and she HAS to hate this jackbag, even if he is a good lay.

But Dhaliwal has so much more to say. God, it never ends. Read it all. You will especially appreciate the part where he argues that the female orgasm "is the natural mechanism by which men assert dominion over women." Seriously, Dhaliwal, Freud's dead. You can take his dick out of your mouth now.

If your ipecac hasn't kicked in yet and you need a stand-in, there's another column full of Dhaliwal's juicy giblets of wisdom.

This piece of nonsense, titled "Man about the house," contains this nugget:

Modern women juggle an absurd collection of ambitions; they want money and status, an active social life and a stable, fulfilling relationship. It's an equation that can never be balanced; something is always compromised. That compromise is often in the bedroom. The omega male cooks lasagnes and takes out the rubbish, but he's not sexy and never will be. He offers no danger or excitement. He's a loyal and needy lapdog, making a sweet companion, but a puerile lover. A woman might pretend she fancies nice-guy wimps, but when omega male's making love to her, she closes her eyes and thinks of the sex-god bastard who broke her heart. The truth may be that the only women who genuinely find sensitivity and emotional literacy a turn-on are lesbians. They find feminine qualities attractive and are, accordingly, attracted to women. It might be that the typical alpha female is just a repressed, high-power dyke; unwilling to express her homo nature, she instead seeks out feminised men who will make the least sexual demands of her.

If wanting a partner who's a bit more nuanced than a rampaging dickfaced caveman makes you a lesbian, then sign me up. Because I swear to God and country that if Nirpal Dhaliwal is right and this is how Real Men think and feel, I would rather be with a wire lover than with anyone who so much as smells like Nirpal Dhaliwal. Because, Real Mean, if this is the real you, you suck. Give me a lifetime supply of batteries and don't talk to me, Real Men.

And finally, the denouement:

For the few who are man enough to take her on, the alpha female can make a great partner. Having a successful wife has allowed me to take it easy and write a novel while spending her money. Being with a dynamic woman has lifted my game, raising my intelligence and self-confidence. It's been a productive, stimulating challenge for both of us. But for millions of guys, the alpha female is an obdurate force to be reckoned with. Her continuing rise means omega males will be perfecting their foot rubs and lasagnes for a long time to come.

Here's the ultimate irony: For someone so sickened by feminism and the strides professional women have taken to achieve equality, this motherfucker is content to live off his wife's income while he dicks around thinking of ways to insult the intelligence of the general population.

WTF?

And now, to wrap this rant up, I give you "Purple" Nirpal's tips on how to stay on top.

HOW TO STAY ON TOP

Be a selfish jerk
Her rise up the career ladder means she’s beaten plenty of guys into second place; hence, male weakness and compliance disgust her. A man who insists on having his own way all the time is a refreshing change, allowing her to relax while someone else does the driving. Never ask what she wants for dinner or which movie she wants to watch. Just do what you want and let her tag along.

Dump her
At the first appropriate moment — your first argument — show her the red card. This gives you the option of getting back together on your terms. Her innate female fear of abandonment is your trump card. She can’t resist a guy who’s man enough to put her in her place, and her nagging doubts about whether you really like her will keep her on her toes.

Mind-blowing sex
The bedroom is no longer the bedroom any more. It is now the office; it’s where you go to work. With the easy availability of Viagra, there is no excuse for sexual mediocrity. At the beginning of your relationship, bring her to heel with a few intense marathon bangings. After that you can relax; the memory of amazing sex is enough to keep her ticking over for years.

Never listen to her problems
Her success is driven by a need for attention, often caused by a distant relationship with an adored father. Never give her that attention. It’s the distance she craves. A guy who gives her the empathy she asks for only incites her intrinsic hatred of wimps. Besides, listen and you’ll die of boredom.

Compliment sparingly
When she buys expensive shoes and handbags, take no notice. You have no interest in fashion. Compliments must be of a general manly sort, such as: “You’re looking hot.” When you do give a specific compliment, make it about her hair or nails: alpha females obsess about their hair. Well-timed compliments are money in the meter; each one lets you park your lazy self at her place for weeks.

Once again, I want to reiterate that I would rather go my entire life without loving another person than have to spend a nanosecond with a bottom-feeding, misogynistic, obnoxious, contemptible "alpha male" Real Man like Nirpal Dhaliwal.

Dhaliwal raises one good point, and that is that there are plenty of women who do want to mold and change men into something they're not and probably won't ever be. I actually agree that this is a horrible thing for a woman to try to do. It never works. So to all those women out there who want to change and mold a man — DTMFA.

And men — I'm speaking directly to you now — if you can't be with a strong, successful woman without scheming and plotting ways to condescendingly "cope" with her because you are annoyed with/frightened by her, then please, by all means, find a woman who agrees with you that her status as a human who deserves respect is suspect. There are, sadly, plenty of women out there who will play these silly power games with you, letting you always be on top — literally and metaphorically — because that's How It Should Be or Just How It Is. There are, sadly, plenty of women who will stroke your ego in exchange for financial stability.

But leave the rest of us out of it. Don't try to push your sad and cynical worldview on us by trumpeting these truisms about the base nature of men and the hifalutin' nature of women, because most of us are just looking for people to love who will treat us well — and not like high-maintenance children, male or female. We don't want to go through this idiotic War of the Sexes bullshit where Men are horny uncaring cads and Women are gooey puddles of emotional waste. We want parity and we want mutual respect and we want well-rounded partners who can be everything to us: Lascivious lovers and comfortable companions.

(I'm using the royal we and hoping like hell there are people who want these things too.)

Those of you who would rather be Real Men Assholes can fuck off, frankly. We have no use for you anyway.